cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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