And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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