I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
