Are we in a gay sports bar?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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