I wish I could teleport
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
