i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
