Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
