too bad you live with your parents still
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
