I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
