I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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