They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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