wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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