i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Pooping to opera.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
