First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
