Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
