She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
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