Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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