I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
