Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
