If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
