I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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