Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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