So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I love you. Go after that dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
