I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
