I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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