sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
