i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
