i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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