I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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