I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Two words: nipple clamps
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