I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
