Barsexuality is the new black.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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