i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize