I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize