put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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