Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
