I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
