some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
