his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We had sex on a dog bed..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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