hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
