Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
