you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
