Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The power of my boobs compel you
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
