hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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