he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
