just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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