I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
