the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
