I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sponge bath it is.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
