the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
