I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she woke up with a sticky ear
false alarm. still invincible.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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