It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I said "one day" and that day is not today
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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