I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
