If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
