i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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