My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
