We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
