in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
