The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize