How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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