I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
