I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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