I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
