yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The best revenge is premature balding
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
