I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
