she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize