I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
