i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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