I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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