when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Hippo gnu deer
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
