my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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